the SavingE Foundation

In you I see something special. I have hope for you. I want the chance to know you inside and out, and to go wherever this takes us. I want to understand the tenderness I find in you. I want to hold it for however long it makes sense to. I want you to see something special in me. I want you to hold my heart in your hands and turn it around with your fingertips. See what you want to see, but know that I hope you see a spark. You do not look like them. You look like something more. Something more than a phone call at one AM. You seem to think more of me than that. Get to know me. Please. Give me a chance to be tender and quiet. Give me a reason to let it all go, and just be happy.

:/

to separate myself from who I used to be. I started talking to the guy in high school that I was afraid to talk to, who I always thought wouldn’t like me. I still thought those things after all of these years, but you know what? Why would I think something like that about myself? I let my insecurities hold me back from even trying. I think that part of it was that I had a friend who told me it would never work and that he wouldn’t like me. I should have never believed her. I should not have thought so little of myself. I hope that anybody reading this knows that they’re probably a wonderful person, and that they should never hold themselves back because of a preconceived notion. Years and years later you will feel so much better if someone just rejected you than if you have to think about how you never even tried. And hey, he might tell me I’m a creep in another week, but my fear will never hang over my head again.

And you’re going to read about it and like it. Today I am tooting my own horn because I decided that I am not going to allow people in my life who don’t treat me well. Now is my time to start everything over and rebuild it how I want to. I thought about that today. An old “friend” texted me, like nothing ever happened. I confronted him, asked him why he was ignoring me, told him his excuses were bullshit. He told me he was going to be a better friend now, I told him that it’s too late for that, I already worked my way through this horrible crap alone and for him to show up after I’ve sorted it all out is worthless to me. He stopped responding, but I don’t care because it’s not like anything has changed. 

I am not going to be this person again who forgives people and takes their word for it whenever they seem to have time to show up again. I deserve more than this, and I won’t settle for less anymore. This may be a small feat for changing my life, but you need to understand that every little piece of who you used to be that you can’t let go of holds you back.

I dropped a bunch of cotton balls and instead of being frustrated and tired feeling at the thought of picking them back up, I just smiled because I thought they fell beautifully. I’m being extremely irresponsible with my own feelings,  but is that okay? I don’t know. 

Maroon 5: How

… How long has it been since I wanted to do that?

Today I’m going to walk away alone.

I’m going to box my memories away,

Tell you the things I don’t want you to know,

And then I will have nothing left to say.

Today the sun set earlier than ‘for.

It didn’t want to see you crumple the paper

You couldn’t lay your head on any more;

The solar mountain side seemed safer to her.

Today you’re going to have to be yourself.

You need to tie your dirty shoes all wrong,

And make your handwriting look like hell,

‘Cause by the time you’re out the door, I’m gone.

Today I fell in love with someone new,

And did the thing I knew I had to do.

Shakespearean sonnet that “i had to do” for my stupid creative writing class tomorrow. Frankly this is not the time! But I had to do something and this is what I’ve got. And to be clear, I haven’t fallen in love with someone new. I do not believe that I have the heart for that, much as I try. I wish I could. It makes me feel better to pretend. But I’m sickened by the idea and if there is anyone that I should learn how to love today, it is myself. Good luck self, maybe we can do this.

historyisinteresting:

Mark Twain experimenting inside Nikola Tesla’s lab.

1894.

Mark Twain was a funny guy. :)

(via skipandrave)

My first choice goes as follows: Keep going or stop?

Can’t really stop, because even if I change direction I’m still going somewhere. Technically I could just lay in bed and never leave there again, but I’ve been doing that for the past hour and I’m starting to get hungry and it doesn’t seem to be fixing anything really so that’s not an option

Which leads me to: Change directions or keep going this way?

I kind of feel like the direction I’m going in has changed all by itself, I feel like i’m on that train track going 100 miles per hour and Donald Duck has pulled that crank that switches the tracks. I need to figure out what I want my life to look like now and what I’m going to do. I need to stay in school because I don’t want to go home and work. So I’m going to have to keep that ball in the air.

This limits my options a bit. I have to stay here but who will I live with next year, where will I live? Worst comes to worst I could go back to the dorms and just have a single room for a year. I wouldn’t need to talk to anyone if I didn’t want to I could just go in there and survive. I did that for a while last year and it was okay. And as for worst options, that one’s not horrible.

I could make new friends and meet new people and basically start all over if I want. 

I could go to a different country and spend a summer being myself and just myself. Nobody would expect anything out of me. I could stay in that country and never come back. I’d never have to worry about the roots I tried to put down too fast. 

I could go somewhere different and never talk to anyone again that I used to know. 

Or I could hold onto what I still have here and try to build my life again where it seems to be falling apart. Because I have people in my life that I still love very much. Of course. I can certainly pick and choose and just stick with the people I love and never talk to the ones I don’t again.

Whatever happens, ultimately, I have to do something…

… Now what?

Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of time for this one. Especially unfortunate because it is about someone I love. This one will be boring and gushy anyways so you should stop reading now and save your time for sudokus, I would.

Obviously if I were invited to spend a few minutes talking about someone I love, I would talk about my boyfriend. I wish I didn’t have to call him my boyfriend, that makes him sound like some guy that I kill time with. But due to our ages and completely busy and unstable lives, he’s just my boyfriend. I guess I could walk around calling him the love of my life, that’s not so concrete, but frankly it sounds really lame. So this guy, that I’m completely in love with that lives two blocks south west of me is the subject of this day’s post.

There has been a lot of bad, or just emptiness which is just as bad, between us. But the years and years that we’ve been in and out of each others lives makes that seem so unimportant. I think a lot of the strength in our relationship lies in waiting around for one another. That makes sense because for things to be good all the time for a short period of time is easy. But waiting for someone to realize they’ve made a mistake and come back. Or waiting for someone to forgive your mistakes. Or waiting for someone to catch up to you and your stupid age gap. Then there’s waiting around through inconvenient military trips. And waiting around all summer while I have to go home and live with my parents again. Waiting for someone’s heart to stop being broken so that they can make room for you in it. Or waiting around for someone to trust you again after you’ve thrown them away. Those kinds of things are something. I would never wait around for someone else like that. 

I love him because he makes me strong without me feeling the growing pains. I love him because he made me feel special when I was in a relationship with a jerk who made me feel worthless. I love him because he likes to collect sweet pieces of nothing and give them to me… like a raccoon. I love him because he wouldn’t give up on me and he knew I was worth more than the ease of it. I love him because he’s not every other jerk I tried to find a spark of good in, and I don’t mean that in a negative way. It means that he’s special. And that he is exactly the kind of different that I need. I love him because he makes time feel like it’s nothing and I don’t want to cry or curl up when I watch it fly by. I love him because he thinks my little obsessions are special, or he’s really good at hiding his distaste for them at least. He listens to me, and whatever I am fanatical about today he will try to add something to it, or feed into it. Like the time he got into my apartment when I was gone one weekend and hid coke cans all over my room in coat pockets, drawers, etc. Or when he tried to make a sim on facebook and earn it as many simoleans as he could so that I could enjoy spending it. I love him because he makes me do things that I am afraid of, like driving a long ways when I don’t know where I’m going. Or hiking in the mountains where a bear could eat me. Or skydiving in a fake wind tunnel! He lets me put bows in his hair when we’re in Forever 21, he lets me change his hairstyle if I’m bored. He is warm, and soft, and sometimes he sits still for a little while. And I like that. He always says goodnight to me when I never say good night good morning good day or anything to him, I used to hate boys that would say good night to me. I told them they were being weirdos and I don’t like them enough to think about them when I go to bed. But if he doesn’t say good night to me I’m very sad. He goes on vacations across the country with me, and we know what dogs we’re going to get, and he has an odd love affair with my brother. He doesn’t know everything about me, and I don’t know everything about him, but we’re learning, and oh the more we learn. He’s better at knowing when I’m sad, and some day there are signs he might know what to do about it. After all, men don’t know what to do about emotional women ever do they? They always act like they just spilled a whole gallon of milk and there’s no way to decide where to start cleaning it up! I don’t know what more I could do to paint a picture of how much I love him. I don’t know who could love better. I’m sure that’s one of the biggest things about it. No one else could begin to understand me and my ways the way that he does. And even if they did they would never show the grace and encouragement that he does. I hope that he stays well and strong for a very long time, and I hope I can be with him all the while. 

Unknown. (via thisisthehorrorshow)

(via peetashotbuns)

The places that people hurt without even knowing it. Most of the time it’s simply due to a lack of closure.

And sometimes I really get that feeling. Sometimes I feel like some crumpled up paper being pushed around in the wind that has half a sentence written on it that nobody cares about. But sometimes I feel important and round. Like a round character in a story, as opposed to a flat one. I feel like what I want to do with my life is good and admirable and that I’ve really got something exciting going for me. Or I think about the things that I think are exciting and that’s good enough for me. The world isn’t fair or linear or always so wonderful. But some things are really special, and if you grab as many of those as you can while you’re being blown down the street and you hold on to them really really tight, the world can seem like a really great place. Forget about rules and appearances, just take everything that makes you happy and put it all over your life and your things and live in your own moment. It will give you your own bubble of joy in a world full of whatever.